The Day It Snows In Morganville
by a mountain of gideon's scones
Summary: What does Myrnin do on his snowday? And why do elves come into it? Crackfic for Lunamoon2012


_For the absolutely __**amazing**__ Danielle who is __**EIGHTEEN TODAY! :O she makes me feel so young!**__ Happy birthdayyyyyyyy!_

_**I don't own anything**_

_**-Albo, can you see the reference in here?**_

_**-Maddie, this is the pairing you need! **_

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For a change, today, Myrnin isn't bored.

You know why that is?

**BECAUSE IT'S SNOWING**!

Yes, it is snowing in Morganville, Texas.

And, naturally, Myrnin has had plans for what he is going to do if it snows in Morganville for about 50 years. True, some of them got a bit destroyed when he started to eat them when he was crazy…and some of them didn't survive Claire throwing gunk on them (long story)…but he has _always_ had plans for when it snows.

And he has the _best_ one now.

Basically, it involves snow.

And Oliver.

And making Oliver look like a douche.

Because, if we're honest, that's where Myrnin gets all his kicks from…and possibly getting Oliver arrested for many different things.

So, basically, Myrnin pulls out the book that is labelled **DO NOT EVER, **_**EVER**_** TOUCH BECAUSE IT IS MY PRIVATE BOOK AND IF YOU READ IT, YOU DIE** (OTT but that's the way that Myrnin rolls) and begins to flick through, looking for the page that has the information he needs.

Well, after about an hour because he abandons his book to go run outside and throw snowballs at little kids and cats and old ladies who try and beat him up with their walking stick.

So he goes back to his book.

On the top of the page is the scribbled out attempts to make a spell to go with this because he's been obsessed with Harry Potter for like years and now he's all depressed that it's over.

The spells all failed yet he continues to read them all out, including the one he wrote when he was high on cocaine – "Olyizzymuppy" – until he gets bored.

Well just before he gets bored because that defeats the point of this fun experience in the snow in Morganville.

Finally, he finishes reading the spells out and has a little cry because none of them worked, before picking up his piece of wood and tapping a place in the floor three times to make a hole appear.

And then he jumps down it.

This is his little secret stash of everything that Amelie told him to destroy or stop using – or that he's bought with his secret stash of illegal money – and it also has the thing that he's been hoarding for about a year now, keeping them pacified with the promise that they can be reunited with their master soon.

(Their master is Oliver.)

"Careful," Myrnin mutters as he hands the things in his underground to his underground lab some chocolate cake so they come out of their coma-like state that they've been in as they were threatening to kill him and tell Amelie.

In front of him as he throws cake about 100m back are about 150 elves – of course – some with wings and some without because he decided that 150 winged elves could be a catastrophe.

It's a bit of a strange thing for him to have, elves, but there's a reason. You see, Oliver's name means Elf Army in German, and therefore Myrnin decided that there would always be a way for him to capitalise on this and get Oliver into trouble. After all, the only one _anyone_ would imagine would be sad enough to look up the meaning of a name is Oliver.

So Oliver shall get in trouble for this.

"If I promise to give you an entire house made out of cake and reunite you with Oliver, will you do as I tell you?" he tries to barter an agreement with the head elf because they're a little bigger than his knee cap and scares him slightly.

"Yes," the elf agrees instantly, his eyes going dreamy as he imagines Oliver.

"Firstly," Myrnin leans forwards and raises his eyebrows pointedly. "You are going to do this…" and then he outlines the plan.

…

Myrnin sits down on a pile of snow on top of a slab of ice and waits for the elves to lift him up into the air because he can't be bothered to walk to Amelie's…well Amelie's new house since he burnt down the old one.

You can't blame him – he hadn't been invited to the wedding _and_ he was high on cocaine at the time. Bit like his old girlfriend, Maddie; she got a bit high too often and then blamed it on the drugs _all_ the time…at least the one after that, Danielle, had the good sense to blame Oliver.

Well, she blamed Barty. But that's a different story again.

Just before he gets to Founder's Square, he jumps off the sledge thing and climbs a tree before jumping on top of the satellite dish that results in 100 houses losing their channel 4 coverage so they can't watch four in a bed.

And then he watches as all hell breaks loose.

The elves begin to march towards the humans who are in the middle of the square, having a snowball fight because it's snowing and that's what you do.

"We want your blood," the elves have been ordered to drone in a monotonous tone, moving closer in a rhythmic manner. "We want your blood."

And then they allow their fake fangs to drop down, dripping fake blood onto the pure white snow.

Myrnin laughs as the humans begin to run away screaming like maniacs.

But this isn't enough for the man who is crazy; he wants to get some massive things going on with the snow.

So he gets half of the winged elves to fly on top of the City Hall and to push the snow off the top of it, sending avalanches of snow down to the ground…which Myrnin then jumps off his building into and buries himself for a few minutes.

By this time, Amelie is coming out of her office, towel drying her hair because she's been playing in her own little field in the snow with Sam and it's really pretty…but she begins to cry when she sees…

"WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY STATUE?" she screeches as she sees the statue of her lying in pieces on the floor because Myrnin may have mentioned to the elves that Oliver may be hiding under there.

She doesn't see the elves but they smell of Oliver because Myrnin put some of Oliver's blood in their chocolate cake earlier, so she thinks that it is Oliver.

"What happened to the snow?" Sam questions as he looks at the lack of snow on top of City Hall (when Texas gets snow, they get _lots_) and the massive piles on the floor with lots of humans inside that Myrnin is now snacking on.

"Who _cares_ about the snow, Sam, when _I have been destroyed_!" Amelie hisses, speed dialling Oliver because he's _so_ in trouble with her. and she wants his head chopped off and putting on an imaginary pole in the middle of her town that she can probably get from the strip club he tried to hide from her.

"What are these…are they _elves_?" because Sam is really, _really_ bright and is a cool ginger with a soul, he decides to spot the little midgets around the floor and picks one up. "It smells of Oliver," as soon as he says Oliver, the elf goes crazy so Sam has to put him in a timeout.

Soon Oliver arrives.

And there is bedlam.

Myrnin jumps out of his hole and back onto the roof, trying to blend in with his invisibility cloak that doesn't exist, and watches as Amelie yells Oliver's name.

And then the elves react.

One hundred and fifty elves run at Oliver with enough momentum to throw him into the pavement and crack the tarmac beneath. "OW!" he shrieks because he's a big baby.

Myrnin decides to get involved because Amelie looks more concerned by the loss of her statue than anything else. So he jumps back down from the building and ambles over, laughing at Oliver on the floor.

"Are these _elves_?" Myrnin confirms, laughing with Sam whilst Amelie continues to shriek about her statue.

"Yes and they belong to Oliver," Sam says grimly, pulling his phone out and typing in elf and Oliver. "And apparently Oliver means elf army in German," he muses and Amelie puts the dots together how Myrnin wanted.

"Oliver has planned for when snow would hit Morganville so he could _destroy my statue_!" she's _really_ not letting go of the statue issue but Myrnin rolls with it so that he doesn't get yelled at for eating the humans that got crushed.

"I didn't!" Oliver protests. "I love you, Amelie; why would I hurt you?"

Amelie's response to this is to throw pieces of ice at his head until he starts to cry.

Sam simply stands there and prepares to pummel Oliver, deciding not to make Amelie's punishment be anymore lenient.

"Elves are not to ever be kept in Morganville," Amelie snaps. "Each elf accounts for one hundred years of punishment and there are…" she tries to count so Myrnin jumps in and tells her.

"One hundred and fifty, milady," he says and Amelie smiles at him.

"Oh Myrnin, please go and spend some money so that you can leave me alone," her tone doesn't match her face but he's given her gold card so he's not going to complain.

He loiters around the edge of the Square and watches as Amelie has her guards hoist Oliver to his feet whilst she picks up the head elf.

"Who is your owner?" she asks it and it points to Oliver as that is what Myrnin told it to do.

"It isn't, I swear!" Oliver pleads but she ignores him.

"I WANT HIM DEAD! OFF WITH HIS HEAD!" she mimics the Queen out of Alice in Wonderland before turning away and walking back with Sam to their house to have some more special time, previously mentioned when Bishop and Voldemort worked together.

And whilst Oliver is killed, Myrnin spends over one million pounds (dollars are _so_ last year, even for residents of America) on some sweets and trees and other things that he doesn't need but that he can put in the place where the elves used to live.

As there's lots of room left now!

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_Thoughts?_

_Don't__ read/fav without reviewing, thanks._

_Vicky xx_


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